Minna, Nigeria: A local Iroko tree in Minna has declared that it has divine powers and it could heal Nigeria and Nigerians of all their ills and misfortunes. All that they needed to do was to take good care of it and tie some threads around its trunk and cast a vote for it. The move has come as a shock to the plant society of the whole Nigeria, but some Nigerian human beings have started thronging the place to become the earliest followers of the tree.
“I just tied a thread and watered the roots. And let me tell you, it really feels good. In fact, I was happier to see Iroko BaBa (IBB) smiling.” said Chukwumerije, one of the first followers of the tree, who is planning to form a committee comprising of Nzeribe and other select followers to control crowds of pilgrims and accept their offerings on behalf of the tree, known to be sacred and untouchable. Nzeribe is the current chairman of the rival plant society for better Nigeria.
The Iroko tree has already become busy again after living years of an ordinary and sedentary life in the deserts of Minna where it was continually nurtured by pipe water illegally siphoned from the depths of Nigeria’s Naira River.
The Iroko tree has also given its consent in principle and has shown keen interest in hiring Chukwumerije and Arthur Nzeribe for crowd and cash management jobs. Speaking exclusively to NP Satire, the tree also shared its experience on how it discovered its divine powers.
“I was just another tree with dogs peeing on my roots and crows pooping on my twigs. I thought Nigerian human beings had completely forgotten me. But a few weeks after the Mariama tree beside me was cut down, a man passed by and lowered his head and whispered to me. I was amused at first, but the same night I got a dream where the devil appeared and told me that I was the chosen one among all the old and crooked trees and it was my responsibility to spread hope and belief in today’s decadent Nigerian society. The devil trusted me with this task because of my decadent past. After a lot of introspection, I decided to accept the responsibility, especially since younger trees around me do not have their eyes open.” said the speaking and shameless Iroko tree.
Even though the tree is set to attract more followers and maybe even a sponsor from the G8, the younger trees have expressed utter shock and disbelief over this development. Far from it being a sign of divinity, other trees see this as a sign of moral depravity.
“All this business of declaring oneself divine and chosen one is human and we trees are not supposed to indulge in such things. It’s true that many trees and plants like Awo and Zik are worshipped in this country, but none of them attained that distinction through such shameless self-promotion. Such behavior is unbecoming of a plant or a tree.” said Ribadu, spokesperson of the original Plant Society of Nigeria.
“We don’t believe in the concept of godtrees.” quipped Ribadu, rejecting comparisons of such trees with godmen among the human beings.
But the concerned Iroko tree is not at all concerned and has rejected such criticisms from fellow trees and plants. With the help of Chukwumerije, it is planning to host a daily half hour show on BBC Hausa Service and other leading national television channels, where it would share and spread its thoughts on various issues like immorality, politics of assassination, structural maladjustment, fashion of annulment, press intimidation, and corruption practices
