Living together as husband and wife still remains a great challenge despite all the counselling people undergo before marriage. I wonder a great deal how people with little or no counsel cope. Does this (lack of counsel) in a way account for the soaring number of divorce and marital problems bracing our world? Anyway, I do not want to believe that problems come because couples have decided to stay together and build a family; rather, bringing two human beings from different places or even siblings of the same parents could still be pretty difficult to manage. The bulk of the cause, I think, is in our differences as no two persons are ever the same.
With this in mind, it would help if we could do our best to live amicably and keep the love we first had alive. Studying and understanding the need of your partner and going a step further to meet it sure puts you on a higher platform of love. Both men and women have need to be loved and appreciated but they express this in different ways according to their personality.
There is definitely no ‘one size fits all’ in marriage; you have to diligently work out what works for you. Having said that, there are a few points to consider if having a good relationship is your goal:
•Emotional attention: This sounds like a cry of an abandoned wife. Women, naturally, love to be heard and identified with each time there is a problem. They love to talk about their feelings and would love you to give them the best attention that can see them through this rough time. Men, on the other hand, have their emotional downside in a totally different way and have a different way of coping with it. A man would invariably love to be quiet in rough times; taking more time to be alone and brood over what just happened with the view of finding solution fast.
The natural instinct of being a leader makes him feel responsibly to the people around him and always putting himself in the position of problem solver. If, in anyway, the rule changes (that is your husband is now the one who loves to talk about his problems or your wife wants to be alone and quiet during challenges) in your relationship, you should be smart enough to pick what kind of person you are married to and how best to support him/her in times of need. The whole essence of relationship is having someone to share your life with.
•Show kindness: Little acts like opening the door for your wife or polishing shoes for your husband before he leaves for work could make a whole lot of difference all through the day and set a romantic atmosphere for the evening. Giving a helping hand to the children and the home sure makes her feel loved and cared for. She’ll respond to you without much struggle and your love would continue to grow. This does not mean that she loves you because you help, rather, helping makes her feel you really care for her and want her to have less stress.
•Communication: Every interaction you have with your spouse is either making a positive or negative impact on your relationship. Someone, somewhere, refers to this as ‘emotional bank account.’ You have to be in check of what you say to him/her, considering whether you are adding or subtracting from emotional balance. If you talk to your spouse nicely, you are likely to get nice replies, but if you speak in an unruly manner, strife might be the result; soft words turn away anger.
•Self pity: Indulging in self pity drains your partner of ideas and constructive ways to help you. People who spend unnecessary time lamenting over what they do not have and wishing life would treat them better and ending up having no time left to enjoy their relationship. If your relationship is not exactly what you thought would come your way, move on with life; happy days may lie ahead but you have to leave yesterday to enter tomorrow. Learn to take each day at a time and don’t cry over spilled milk.
•Lack of commitment: For any relationship to grow, there must be a good level of commitment; be it in the area of being faithful or deciding to go all the way to support your loved one through a difficult period. The way you respond to your spouse during challenges is indeed the value you place on that fellow. You can’t afford to be very nice and sweet when all is well. Lots of money, good job, healthy children, thriving business, etc. and turn a devil, snapping at the very sound of his/her voice just for no reason when there are tough times. Commitment says ‘I’ll stick with you through thick and thin.’ Not sticking grudgingly but giving the support you need and making you feel as a King /queen although you are far from it.
