Many of the problems that come up in marriages and drive couples apart aren’t the earth-shattering kind that arrive shockingly. No, what normally drives a wedge in a marriage relationship are seemingly insignificant daily choices. But is your lack of self-control and communication a good reason to leave a marriage?
I believe entering into a marriage relationship should be a lifetime commitment. However, this is a commitment being made by young people who may not know what it means to build a life and family together. Sadly, many haven’t even had good role-models to follow.
There are legitimate reasons to escape from a bad marriage, but this article isn’t about an abusive and unhealthy union. This is about couples who have lost the spark in their marriage and didn’t even realize that the fire was going out. Each one of these things can be reversed and a marriage can be saved if you truly want to make it work.
Don’t fall into the trap of these bad reasons to leave a marriage. Realize that each of these are related to choices and exercising your own self-control. It is time to stop blaming the other person and begin to take responsibility for the health of your marriage
We’ve Fallen Out of Love
You must remember that love is a choice. Furthermore, it is a choice you make. You cannot fall into the trap of blaming your spouse for not choosing to love you anymore. We control our own choices and can only influence (but not control) the choices of others.
There is an aspect of love that responds to the love it receives. Use that to influence the decisions of your spouse by showing unconditional love to them. Believe that you have the power to change your marriage for the better by making the right choice about love. 1 Peter 3:1, 2 encourages us that an unbelieving spouse can be won over by humble, submissive conduct.
When you say you’ve fallen out of love you are saying that you’ve made a choice not to love the other person. You may perceive that they no longer deserve your love. But understand that you have made a choice to no longer love them. When things get rocky in your relationship and you think you don’t love each other anymore, just remember that the choice is yours to make and you can’t blame the other person for destroying what you once had.
We Don’t Have Anything in Common Anymore
Sadly this is an excuse I’ve heard from older couples commiserating about their marriage after their kids are grown and out of the house. They have spent so long together in the same house, but have not pursued the same goals and dreams. They have lived two separate lives under the same roof.
If you look around your house, you will surely see many things that you have in common. Do you have children? They may be grown and gone, or they may be young and still in school. But those precious lives that you have brought into the world should be the greatest treasure that you share with one another.
What brought you together in the first place? You had things in common back when you were dating. Or, at least, you wanted to. I know people’s interests change over time. Things that you were passionate about 10 years ago may have faded. Those common hobbies you shared may have developed in different directions. But that doesn’t mean you should throw away a marriage and a relationship because you haven’t invested the time in continuing to develop your relationship. Start today to find joy in the things that bring joy to your spouse.
Marriage Is Old Fashioned
Yes it is. As old as the Garden of Eden. It is also God’s plan. The pattern in the Bible that we see is a man and a woman sharing a lifetime together in a relationship called marriage.
Through marriage a man and woman become part of one another according to Adam in Genesis 2:24 and Christ in Matthew 19:6 and Mark 10:8. I have heard many people describe the death of a spouse as feeling like they have been torn in two. Divorce is emotionally difficult as well. The ripping apart of the two halves may have taken place over a longer period of time, but not having your physical and emotional relationship divided would be far better.
God’s intentions are pure and holy. Therefore, His plan for marriage between a man and woman for a lifetime commitment may be old fashioned, but it is also what is best for us.
My Spouse Isn’t Interested in Me Anymore
What have you done to make yourself interesting? Obviously the effects of time and age change our bodies (and usually not for the better). But our mental and emotional states can continue to grow and develop well into our old age. Yet, so many people choose to stay where they are educationally and spiritually instead of growing more mature as their bodies mature.
After 20 plus years of marriage, my wife and I are not the same people we were when we fell hopelessly in love. And I am glad for that. We are both much more mature in our understanding of the world, God’s Word, and of each other. Memories of who we were back then tend to make us smile when we think about how much we didn’t know.
Let’s suppose that I stayed the same as my 23 year-old self while my wife matured into the grown woman with the mature emotions she has today. I would certainly have more hair than I do now, but I would also be completely disconnected from the needs of my wife.
If your spouse isn’t interested in you anymore, then maybe it has to do with them growing up, but you refusing to mature with your age. Or, the flip side of that, is that you have decided that any effort on your part to keep up any physical attractiveness is worthless. Now you are acting like an older person with a worn out body while your spouse has chosen to stay active and enjoy the physical capabilities.
Grow up where you need to (emotionally and spiritually) but don’t throw away your physical youth before it is necessary.
We Can’t Make the Finances Work
This is another area of choice. I understand that not everyone has a good job and that not all job markets are created equal. But many times our financial difficulties are caused by our poor choices. Have you overextended yourself in regards to borrowing money? Are you now working to pay back the bank and creditors instead of working so that you can enjoy your relationship with one another?
Though it seems like harsh words, there is a reason the Bible tells us in Proverbs 22:7 that one who borrows becomes a servant to the lender. Finances usually are perceived as not working because couples put themselves in a slave relationship to a bank. Who wouldn’t feel tremendous amount of stress in that situation?
I recently read an article by someone explaining why he felt that traditional marriages can’t work today. One of his arguments was that people have to pay $200,000 for an education and that the cost of a home starts at $300,000. Is that true? I know plenty of schools that don’t cost that much and plenty of places in the US where a reasonable home can be had for well less than half that amount. To put yourself in that kind of debt without a reasonable ability to pay for it is a poor choice on your part.
Don’t blame or sacrifice your marriage for the poor choices you make. Instead, make a choice to work together and put yourself in a better financial situation. That may mean downsizing and laying aside some toys for a few years. Things can be reacquired. But your relationship will never be completely mended once you’ve made the choice to leave your marriage.
Final Thoughts
Again I am sympathetic to those who find themselves in a bad relationship. But if one or more of these 5 reasons are your focus for leaving a marriage, I really think you can start now to make the right future choices to mend many of your poor past choices.
Seek help. Find someone who will give you godly counsel—not just the counsel you want to hear. Make the choices that will help put your marriage back on the path you dreamed about when you were dating.
by DAVID PEACH
