Fact: people know more about RMD than they do GEJ. We care about the contents of Genevieve Nnaji’s cupboard (snooping for skeletons) than we do about political/economic actions and decisions of President Jonathan as it affects our lives.
It’s simple: celebrities are the road map to Utopia. They serve as our escape from the tough grind of life. And like a real annoying hard-on the release is found in the pages of magazines that dish out ‘blow-by-blow’ reports, dirt, news and pictures of celebrity-dom.
Celebs have our undivided jealous attention. We thrust on them the weight of role-models for hitting the right chord in our music vein or saying our favourite lines in a low-budget movie even when they’d rather be left alone to fart all over the red-carpet.
For these flippant reasons celebrities can’t afford to live ‘normal’ lives. They’ve got the staff of perfection extended to them and they have the huge responsibility of carrying it everywhere they go!
So being a celeb should mean that: you cannot jump on an okada, and you have no right to wish for mama ibeji’s moimoi across the road (woe betide you if you’d dare join the queue to get some wraps by yourself!).
Flimsy as these may seem, there are, however, top celebrity goofs that are just not acceptable, even if your career is taking a nose-dive and we don’t care about your status anymore.
Here’s a list of ten:
1. Do not be silly on the red carpet: That stream of red flowing endlessly with paparazzi, cameras, and fans, is judgement aisle. A Celebrity’s fame is confirmed and endorsed on the red carpet. So we expect them to take their appearances very seriously. Lady gaga gets away with it because she’s, well…lady gaga! You goof when you decide to ‘be yourself’ on the red carpet. Learn the etiquettes of red carpet divas and divos. Besides, I think dressing like a trash can is a sign of insecurity. Why would anyone hate to be pretty? Beats me!
2. Do not mock/diss your fans: It is better to bite your tongue than insult your fans! I mean, that’s just silly! Yes, we know how obsessive fans can get, and some are just outright rude! Nonetheless, they are your stamp of stardom. You goof when you cannot handle the everyday paranoia that comes with your status. ‘What’s a star without a fan base?’
Jesus had Judas, you’ve got a couple of nut-heads on your case, so what? Deal with it with a sense of maturity.
3) Kill the temptation to respond to every attack in the media: Celebs still do not understand how the media works. As a matter of fact the professions are quite similar. A journalist, just like a musician, is looking for that big hit – that one story, or in the case of an artiste, one track that is going to get him a jet-ride to fame – even if he has to write a nasty bit, or sing a diss track. So you goof when you take the press too seriously (especially soft-sell). Save yourself the headache. That crazy reaction you exhibit whenever you read a story about how broke you are now or how irrelevant your music is or how promiscuous you have become is just the bait we need. When you give yourself the task of responding to every report in the papers, it distorts your brand. Learn to look the other way.
4) Stop the autotune: For the simple reason that it is annoying! You goof when you do not take out time to nurture a real talent out of your cosmetic success.
5) Share your personal life sparingly: Whether you have your wedding on a parachute (lol!) or got engaged on the moon, be modest about your achievements. If you are sporting the most expensive Versace heels and for some reason the press do not go crazy about this and get pictures of it in all the colour pages, do not be tempted to give the info out in that ‘hey, can’t you see I’m the best shit ever’ tone. You goof when your chatter of self-accomplishment can fill up the pages of City People. That kind of attitude usually comes back to jab you in the ass.
6) Do not look in the mirror someday and say, ‘I have arrived’: You have not ‘arrived’. You goof when you think you are more famous than Christ. You are work in progress; always will be. You die, figuratively, when you do.
7) Get a publicist: What’s the point blinking in the dark, eh? You goof when you do all your publicity stunt, begging on social networks to get votes for an award or literally sobbing and sweating to get hits online for your new track. Do the honourable thing – pay for publicity.
8.) Do not insult your colleagues: You know the sight of a baby throwing tantrum? It’s a better sight than a celebrity exhibiting stupidity; and one of the stupid situations a celeb can find him/herself is getting into squabbles with a colleague. You goof when you trade words in public. Celebrities live in glass houses, do not throw stones at one another!
9)Avoid being stereotyped: It is your job to make sure that you are not locked in a box. If you feel the need to do other things as a celeb away from your primary achievement, go ahead and do what the heck you want to do. It’s your job to diversify and live your dreams, it’s our job to criticise and laugh off your attempts. Nonetheless, do all the stuff you’ve always wanted to do. You goof when you let someone else, who’s probably dying to be you, tell you what to do. You are on a platform – give your best performance! Don’t let our bad-mouths stop you.
10) Invest: If you don’t then you are a flash in the pan. Money sustains stardom. Talent can only go this far but money gives it wings to fly. You goof when you spend all your worth on women, booze, and parties. Now that you’ve got all the high-flying gigs falling all over you, it’s the time to invest in sustainable businesses so your money can turn to wealth.
